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fly on the wall
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2/22/2016 1:14:08 PM
riding out the low tide in your life
Often it feels like I'm treading water, sometimes I even feel the undertow pulling me back to sea. It's hard not being a rich man in this world. If you wait things out, you eventually start to cycle positively, but it's tricky not disappointing others in the meantime. Trying to accomplish things is often a lonely place to be. but the plus side is, when you become brave enough to write the words down, the turning is usually not far away.
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2/22/2016 1:31:12 PM
Oh Goodness.
Well, Fly my old friend...
Perhaps I should try and muster my own 'fly on the wall' perspective...
I'm no stranger to the undertow...
I was actually taken by it, and pronounced dead,
they however were on strict orders not to accept that,
so they kept shooting me up with 'narcaine' (cocaine for dead people,
it really packs a kick, got me out of flatline; Beeep.. _________WHOA!)
I remember my first thought when I awoke to see the EMTs working
frantically... "oh you gotta be fuckin' kidding me!"
They asked me what I'd took,
took several attempts to manage the word legibly "Morphine!"
I then asked to go to the bathroom...
they told me I already had, and just go ahead... I said 'ahhhh'...
Not my finest moment, but I'd been dead only a moment ago,
so I didn't give a crap... did piss my pants though.
Later, they cut them off me when I got to the hospital,
I don't remember this, they told me later.
In the course of this, God showed me a glimpse of Hell.
And it's funny... well it wasn't, but ironic is what I mean,
there's a movie with Nicolas Cage called "Drive Angry"...
in which Cage plays a man who escapes from Hell
to avenge the murder of his daughter and to save his granddaughter
from being sacrificed in a Satanic Cult bent on beginning a
New World Order of Hell Ruling The Earth....
(interesting premise, as though we were done with the old order of that)
Well in the film, Cage says, about Hell...
"the worst part isn't the burning,
it's the Video Feed.... watching those you care about suffering..."
That stopped my cold when I heard that,
'cause that's actually True. It is. I saw the shit. It's real creepy.
Anyway, enough of the cheerful stuff....
There's basically two things you need to know, my friend.
They're real simple. Doesn't need to be more complicated.
There's the loser script, or the death script.
There's the winner script, or the life script.
The death script is, "I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't..."
I watched my wife as she lay dying of cancer say that over and over and over.
I realized 'she's basically convincing herself'.
Sure enough, she was gone before very long at all. Day after Christmas.
The life script, as I've now come to adopt it rather resolutely,
is "I can, I can, I can, I can, I FUCKING CAN!"
In other words, sure, we get tired, that'll happen.
Take a break when need be, but oh my friend,
do not go gently into that good night or whatever kind of night it is.
Because tired though we may be, when we decide to move our ass,
turns out we have moves long forgotten that can come back
at just the right moment, while others haven't even learned this stuff yet.
Push on.
Ya never know.
Don't get thrown by a large amount of being in personal pain.
I deal with that all the time now, it's my new normal.
It can however be transformed into high voltage when you apply it to something.
Fly on, Brother.
~Another Flying Fly on the wall...
Flying sober now, not buzzed....
awful pun, couldn't leave it alone.
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2/22/2016 1:34:37 PM
PS...
as for rich, no idea or concept...
I've always been poor.
However, yet I dream....
I imagine it must be nice. Who knows. Could happen.
I am kind of famous by now. The turning, as you say, could be close...
Maybe... you know...
May just be... I am....
not far not far not far from the fork in the road...
Great band they are, have you heard them?
Negative Tendencies, and haven't we all a bit of them?
Push on anyway, Mate.
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Two Silo Complex
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2/23/2016 8:42:22 PM
Dear Fly,
When the undertow catches you there are two choices give up and drown or fight like hell to survive. What caught me about your post is the fear in the undertow of letting other people down. To me that is like a drowning person saying well it would be a shame for someone else to get wet in the effort to save my sorry ass.
You see I an no stranger to the undertow and in fact at time have allowed my self to be swallowed by it only to realize a great deal later 1. what the hell am I doing here and 2 why the fuck have I stayed here this long. For those things there is no easy answer but it might be the adrenaline shot you may need to come back to life as ALJ put it.
Know this the undertow only wants to bring you to your knees it wants to wash over you and take you to the deepest depths. It laughs as you lay weeping. It has no remorse it won't stop and it does no care if you poor or rich or famous or unknown all it wants is find someone to latch onto and suck the life out of. Its a fast wave or a slow drain depending on how much hold you give it but it is not unbeatable.
The undertow can be escaped it can be defeated and it can be actually converted to the force that you need to escape it once you face it.
Being caught by the undertow is a scary venture when it catches you by surprise. But you Fly have a few surprise of your own for it does know know the power you hold. Once you take hold of your power the undertow will have no more hold on you.
May those at IMP be a beacon of light in the darkness.
Ride on brother Ride that wave back to shore. We have got a towel waiting for you a campfire ready to warm your bones and a big ear that have not heard all the stories that are intended for it yet.
TSC,
Ken
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fly on the wall
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2/23/2016 9:03:30 PM
Inspiring posts, folks, thank you. I'm still out of my depths, paddling vigorously, not sure if the shore is getting any closer.
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Stoneman
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2/23/2016 10:44:38 PM
Into each life some rain must fall. The true measure of a man is not in how well he handles success. It is in how well he manages in the face of defeat. Life will throw some seriously staggering punches. But like in boxing and martial arts, the best way to learn how to defend yourself from a blow is to get hit a few times. Once you pull yourself off the canvass after a devastating blow, you realize that you can get up after anything. I got knocked out one day and after my coach got me up he said well, now you know that being knocked out is not the end of the world. It is the beginning of your come back. Make a comeback Fly! I did!
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2/24/2016 6:03:13 AM
Cheer up, Fly, Old Boy.
Fly 'round our way sometime, we'll produce a record for you.
What do you play anyway? Oh. Sorry. Dumb Question. Flylophone.
~L
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2/24/2016 6:09:20 AM
Right then.
Here's a bit of rock n roll to cheer you up.
~John, George, & Lesley
"Back To The Dawn (No Act Can Follow You)" by BEATLESEX
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Richard Scotti
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2/24/2016 7:34:35 AM
Fly ~ Is your post that proverbial "cry for help"? You sound very depressed. Maybe you should be talking to a shrink (?) Like Stoneman and the others, I've come through the fire, with some scarring but I'm still here doing my thing and accepting the things that I can't change while trying to maximize whatever blessings I might have however small they may be but I know these words don't mean much when you're hurting. That's why you may need a pro on you side.
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2/24/2016 9:53:00 AM
Wow. If a Frog wearing headphones carrying an iPod can't cheer you up...
Perhaps you really are feeling down.
We actually have our own 'shrink' on the premises,
I'm surprised he hasn't wandered in here yet...
The guy who looks like he's from Devo?
"The IMP Shrink"....
I'll be back if he can't sort you out. Not to worry.
I'm The Hostess With Two Ghostess
Cheer up! Could be worse! Could be me!
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Shoe City Sound
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2/24/2016 12:16:22 PM
Hey Fly
I'm being serious when I say, if you feel out of your depth, maybe stop paddling for a while and just float to the top and see what happens. Sometimes things are working out behind the scenes and you aren't aware of it. The Universe can totally carry you in the right direction when you don't know what else to do.
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fly on the wall
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2/24/2016 3:39:38 PM
Thanks all. I feel slightly better today, though still purposeless.
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LyinDan
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2/24/2016 3:51:01 PM
Join the club. We all float down here.
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Richard Scotti
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2/24/2016 3:57:36 PM
Purpose is over rated :-)
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LyinDan
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2/24/2016 4:28:07 PM
---- Updated 2/24/2016 4:30:00 PM
Hey, when I feel like that, I drink. Which may come as no surprise when reading my posting history.
You may do better to pump up that stash, though. Undoubtedly healthier. Unless it brings out the paranoia. It does for me, which is why I drink. I smoke to calm me down to sleep.
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Two Silo Complex
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2/24/2016 7:32:08 PM
Forgot to say in my first post if your going under or can't paddle any more forget about waiting for you on the shore for you we will dive into shark infested waters with a bucket of bloody mackerel while you make a break for it or perhaps as shoe city said float and someone unexpected might jump in and bring you to shore.
In these times focus on whatever little light there maybe in the ever expanding darkness a small amount of light can push back an awful lot of dark.
envision your self engulfed by white light far away that which troubles you absorb it strength and its warmth. You are stronger than the undertow even if you don't feel like it. Try telling yourself this will not beat me this cannot beat me I will prevail I will escape and you will in time.
There is also no shame in seeking counseling if that is required it better than suffering in the lonesome dark.
TSC,
Ken
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Shoe City Sound
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2/24/2016 7:45:12 PM
Agree with LyinDan - wine and weed - good medicine
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Stoneman
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2/24/2016 8:47:46 PM
I agree with Lyin Dan (about the Weed at least) also. A good toke usually chases my Blues away. Add in Wine and it's time to say good night!
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Richard Scotti
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2/24/2016 10:41:11 PM
Self medicating the blues is not always the answer. Sometimes longer term solutions are necessary as well as safer. Maybe the shrink thing is not for you but booze and dope are not effective for issues that run deep and wide. You need answers, not more questions. I hate to see any friend in pain. Get to the source of what ails you and try to fix it or get someone to help you fix it. Putting band-aids on serious wounds is only a temporary comfort. You need longer lasting ways of dealing with life's disappointments. Get well. brother.
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Shoe City Sound
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2/25/2016 5:03:08 AM
Oh yeah, absolutely - covering up the problems with easy fixes doesn't change anything. I'm just saying, from my experience, when things are seriously wrong and you are digging deep down to figure it out, it gets confusing and discouraging and lonely. I have had such bad luck with shrinks at desperate times in my life. If I had ever found one that could really get at what I was suffering from I would have been so relieved and grateful. And they prescribe medicines as well, that I think can be harmful in some cases. So on my own, I've had to figure things out and through meditation and agonizing self analysis and research I have made sense of my life. Just sometimes, I've been exhausted and hurting from trying to be honest about what is causing all the pain all the time, and lightening up - weed, wine and listening to music for an evening does it for me - just takes me outside the process. I get relief from gardening and walking in the woods too. It's not to take away the real issues, of course. But you can think a thing to death and lose perspective occasionally, and it keeps you from moving forward. Just reminding myself that fun and happiness are a reality as well, has been a way to take my mind off myself - just a way to lighten up and keep moving.
I agree totally that extreme drug and alcohol use are a way to avoid things and be in denial - not advocating that. I've been around that all my life, and totally know the difference - don't want to ever go there.
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Stoneman
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2/25/2016 9:43:10 AM
I did 6 years of PTSD therapy with the veterans administration mental health department. It was extremely valuable and effective. But I was told that I will never be cured from the images of war and child abuse that plague me. However, it can be managed and that is what I do every day. Manage my mental health through weed (as prescribed by my doctors and grown by myself) meditation and targeted diversion activities like music, martial arts and writing. But I also understand that not everyone can afford to get the comprehensive help that I got. If I had not been self medicating for the past 45 years I certainly would be dead from suicide. So, I say do whatever it takes to get you out of that funk. Even if it is only for a short while or as a band aid it will give you the relief that you need to refuel and get back into this thing called life.
I am no therapist but I have had enough therapy to know that getting to the core cause of your issues may take much reflection and time. If you can afford to get the help, get it. If not, do the next best thing. But do not allow depression to push you over the brink.
I did O.J.T. with a street minister when I was in the seminary. It was mandatory that all prospective ministers do some form of community outreach. One day we were making our rounds in the homeless sector of San Jose. We brought food, clothing and for some folks money. We came across this homeless fellow who was obviously a junky because he was in the early stages of withdrawal. The pastor took one look at him and gave him enough money to go get a fix. He also gave him a card to call him when he was ready to get clean. As we walked away I asked why he had given that man money. I said he's a junky (former junkies like me can pick them out a mile away) and the money is going to be used to fuel the sin he was committing against his body. The pastor looked at me and said: Son, his situation is an emergency. He needs that fix in order to live. If I can keep him alive long enough, I may be able to save and change his life. It was a hard lesson to learn but an important one that would help through out my career as a prison chaplain and street minister. Two weeks later that man called and we got him in rehab. He is now the pastor of a church in Gilroy and has been clean ever since then.
So, I say to you. If you are having an urgent issue and you cannot get to or afford a mental health professional. Do the next best thing. Drink, smoke weed, have sex with your woman, watch a marathon of Law & Order (just an example) or whatever you can think of to get you out of that funk. But also, you should be seeking a long term solution. Don't wait over 40 years (like I did) to get the help that you need.
Sending up prayers and positive thoughts for you.
Respect,
Stoneman
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2/25/2016 11:15:38 AM
I could add this...
I think it's important to listen to your own intuition...
And to a degree 'playing it by ear'...
Sometimes I suspect God Himself makes it up as He goes along...
But by and large, I do.
Purpose is a thing I feel when I'm in the midst of making a song
and a record. It's the time I feel most purpose in the world.
Otherwise, I watch television, eat something, watch a movie....
and I wait, till another idea for a song fills my sails and sets me
going into the feeling of purpose...
it's temporary, 'cause it only lasts as long as it takes to
complete the record... once I release it, I'm back to square one...
but it beats stubbing your toe.
I hate that.
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2/25/2016 11:16:50 AM
Seriously, I really really hate that. I cuss a fuss.
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Two Silo Complex
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2/25/2016 12:34:06 PM
Hey Fly not here to offer any more advice just a show of support. We are with you in good times and not good times. Hell we all been there.
Wishing you the best brother.
Tsc,
Ken
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LyinDan
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2/25/2016 3:00:43 PM
There IS a purpose, there's always a purpose. It may not gibe with what you think it is. It's timing may not be yours. But it's always there. The Universe as a whole seeks to end entropy. To make order. The Universe is a conscious thing. It is the origin of your feelings of what is "good". It is not, however, omnipotent. It needs your help. It will influence you to bring that about. Listen to it.
Ii think anyone who wonders about purpose is already listening.
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LyinDan
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2/25/2016 3:03:33 PM
Stoney (I hope I can call you that. If not, you can certainly kick my ass. Again :) ),
I love a practical man.
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Bryon Tosoff
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2/25/2016 3:20:00 PM
Well some wise lady said to me when I was a youngster, you make your own world,
She also said there be days months and years we would have to weather the storm
Sometimes things outside our control wield a pretty heavy blow sometimes, and those are not fun to endure, but we also have to take into mind the choices we make that can contribute to our feeling blue if it does not turn out the we we would like. Maybe taking on too much responsibility can drag us down.
It is no fun going through trials and feeling low. Many things can affect us. expectations not being meet, I think Stoneman and LyingDan have it well in hand with their outlook. Like the way LyinDan explained it ,quite a lot. hang in there Fly, we hope you can overcome the darkness, I been there, sometimes it was so dark, I could feel the shroud and blackness envelope me, strange to go through that.
I said that to a friend at a gig,I felt this blackness and dark mood and he said, be careful, those dark days and thoughts can crush you, and it took awhile before I was able to find my way out of the mind numbing thoughts and it is a weird sensation because it feelings like more then depression, it is almost a physical crushing essence , hard to explain. I go for a walk and this dark energy followed me, so strange, not sure how I got out of it, i think it is a process, no miracle or magical solution. anyways, my thing. brighter days ahead now. things are shining clearly
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