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Monicka Ferens
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3/30/2021 11:58:08 AM
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Being an artist has been the worst choice I've ever made in my life. And if it's a gift sent from God, then it feels more like a curse. It's occassional joy amongst thousands of failures. I'm being rejected from every job offer I have due to being an artist and having more artistic experience than ''normal''.
I should have studied a normal major in college and I should have given myself some actual useful skills. There are so many interesting jobs that I could have had if I just fucking have studied something else than music. Sure, singing and composing are beautiful gifts, but what's the point if I haven't been able to sing for the past 2-3 years? I compose yet no one listens to my songs. I'm singing for the void.
Being an artist has always brought me more pain than joy. And I'm not that kind of person who can do ''whatever it takes'', like moving to a different city/country with just 50 bucks in my pocket and vision in my head. Or making 352 videos a day to go viral. I ''followed my heart'' yet I feel like I listened to the wrong voice. I feel like I was NOT supposed to be a singer and God made a mistake but he realized it too late.
A part of me doesnt want to give up and it pisses me off so much. What exactly are you waiting for? What are you hoping for? It's been so long, it's been years, and it kills you more and more each time. I'm tired and exhausted. Let it go, damn it. But if I let go, who am I. What am I.
I'm so damn tired and done.
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Father Time
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3/30/2021 1:27:41 PM
well Monicka, I've been where you're at. Here's a blog I wrote when after years of making indie music, I shut down all my pages and nobody even noticed.
you don't make music for others, you do it for yourself. if you can stop, you're welcome to try.
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Bryon Tosoff
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3/30/2021 1:51:53 PM
---- Updated 3/30/2021 5:50:15 PM
Perfect answer by FT. that is exactly it, yet Monicka saying that, I have found your tracks incredible and amazing. your videos are brilliant. so just hang in there, it is a tough go to endure the challenges and frustrations as you have shared here, many of us have experienced the same situations, the key is, continue your journey, believe and know a door will open when the time is right, you have the chops
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Larree
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3/30/2021 3:16:17 PM
Believe me when I tell you that many of us have felt that very same thing. We're all caught between a rock and a hard place. We're all in this hard place together. Maybe you have found the subject for your next song! Now, write it and make us proud!
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Richard Scotti
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3/30/2021 7:02:11 PM
---- Updated 3/30/2021 7:09:17 PM
"Being an artist has been the worst choice I've ever made in my life."
Sometimes you don't actually make the choice. The choice chooses you.
"And if it's a gift sent from God, then it feels more like a curse."
Some people are genetically predisposed to be artists and have natural abilities but I don't consider it a gift that is bestowed by a higher power.
"It's occassional joy amongst thousands of failures"
That's what life is to me: a series of tragic circumstances punctuated by just enough moments of joy to keep me in the game.
Like you, I could have followed other paths. I could have made much more money doing things other than music. I sacrificed so much to aim for the impossible dream. I suffered like a dog for a few pats on the head. I also followed my heart and my heart betrayed me. Sometimes you have to follow your head. I used to lose sleep over my regrets but I don't regret the amazing relationships I've made with kindred spirits like the ones I've met here at IMP as well my "brushes with greatness" playing with very accomplished and well known artists. I treasure these memories.
One thing that really pisses me off is the popular trope that "you can be anything you want if you work hard enough". Some people make it big without doing shit and others work their asses off and get shit. Lot's of people work VERY hard and never achieve their goals. I have a saying that I live by: "Anything is possible but not everything is probable."
When I really wanted to quit the music scene my friends, family and musical associates begged me not to and it really moved me. But I had reached a very low point in my life. I had to change something. And that's when it hit me. I made a pledge to myself, a solemn oath, that I would not let my failures define me and that I would not let them destroy me. I promised myself that I would continue to pursue music for the joys of it no matter how fleeting or few and far between and that I would find some form of contentment in life itself regardless of whether somebody says my music sucks or my music is great. I made my life my art.
Perhaps it's some kind of perverse irony, but but sometimes when you let a dream go it comes back to you in a different form. Sometimes when you give up trying too hard, the unexpected happens. You are a creative genius and I hope you continue your art. If the "powers that be" have not recognized your talents, it's their loss. not yours.
As for me, I'm married to my music and like all marriages, it has it's ups and downs but I also hate divorces and I enjoy this relationship more than I hate it. Like you, I'm tired too. But a lot of folks like what I do and that gives me some energy.
Music has been my whole life. I ask the same questions you do: "If I let go, who am I? What am I? These are valid questions. I've searched my soul and have only one answer. I'm just me, for better or worse and I enjoy making music.
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Father Time
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4/1/2021 7:46:36 AM
I know a number of indies with seemingly unlimited talent which leads to the question of does it even matter anymore if your music is great, is there any way to actually ascend?
the best frame of mind to have is to focus on your musicmaking and not any plate of results you aspire for.
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Bryon Tosoff
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4/1/2021 10:44:01 AM
Wise nugget of sage advice from FT. Brilliant in fact, deep waters there and the truth
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