Bryon Tosoff
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4/1/2019 1:45:17 PM
High Conflict Personalities-and i admit I have my own issues
People with high-conflict personalities have a pattern of negative behavior with four primary characteristics:
1 All-or-nothing thinking;
2 unmanaged emotions;
3 extreme behavior or threats;
4 preoccupation with blaming others.
Therefore, they tend to escalate conflicts, rather than to manage or resolve them — and they take no responsibility for their part in the problem. This can be quite surprising and frustrating for others. In an effort to manage or resolve conflict, most of us try methods that tend to work with reasonable people, but fail and often make things worse with high-conflict people (HCPs).
Here are four of the biggest mistakes when dealing with HCPs; I've made them all:
1. Trying to give them insight into their own behavior
This is really hard to accept, but they may lack self-awareness and self-reflection and so your efforts to “make them see” what they are doing or “make them understand” how badly they are behaving will fall on deaf ears — and likely make things worse.
2. Focusing on the past
HCPs may be stuck in the past, defending themselves and attacking others for their past behavior.
3. Having emotional confrontations
High-conflict people are often emotionally sensitive and reactive to other people’s emotions. Therefore, it helps to keep your own emotions calm and in a moderate range. This will help them stay as calm and reasonable as possible.
4. Telling them they have a personality disorder (or high-conflict personality)
This is always tempting as a way to try to give them insight one last time, or to vent your frustration.
So it is best not to try to convince someone they need to change their behavior. We can only change ourselves, not others, or legislate it, or control freak people into doing and thinking their way, that leads to conflict.one has to recognize the negative behavior and make an effort to deal with it and replace that internalized sublimated behavior with a different way of thinking, One has to be making a concerted effort to catch ones self and reset. I know over the years I have had a tendency to be this way at times, yet find by being involved with volunteering, teaching music, going to toastmaster club made a huge difference in me as a person, and elevated my way of thinking. Anyways, we all have shortcomings and I guess it is looking past the person,if one has an issue with someone for whatever reason, I think the biggest and best thing to do is accepting them for who and what they are and recognize it is what one is doing for themselves by changing their own behavior. Cheers
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