Everywhere we go, people always ask ""Why are you America's greatest rock Band?"" The following excerpt from The Life and Times of the Storefront Hitchcocks places some context around this claim.



Trainer's Toga Party (Or, ""Fits Like The Skin On A Grape"")



Often celebrated as a defining moment in the band's existence, Trainer's toga party had all the trappings of North east Philadelphia brothel, complete with a statue of the virgin mother in the side yard and a freshly painted basement. The boys embarked on an evening destined to become that of legend in the small community known as Tacony.



Recently orphaned (at the age of 20), Trainer was a unique character to whom the term ""loud"" most appropriately fit. His deepest dream was to live in Australia. For the world of resources brought to his life in North east Philadelphia, he never realized those dreams. He did however spend a significant amount of time memorizing Mel Gibson movies and sound bites from battery commercials.



Donning a bleached flat top matched with unrecognizable Aussie gibberish, he alone, stood out from the sea of humanity known as Temple Remedial University, as a formidable challenge to the boys' arguing prowess, often attempting to bust the boys in the SAC. Delmore helps us relate to Trainer's challenges:



""I tell you he changed after high school...... Stopped wearing those tiny bathing suits,..... except for on his head. Jesus, anything to cover that Q-tip! He had talent though Would have had him in the band, but Ruff(haus) was always so insecure about that sort of thing. Was too,..... Was too,..... Was too,..... Was too,...... Was too,.......""



There was a loud crash as Ruffhaus tumbled down the stairs with what remained from Coop's (at one time) rather nice drum set. Recovering from the splinters at the bottom of the stairs, he barked . ""Better bring in another couple of trash cans!""



Coop had considered his drum set a family heirloom. Although purchased by his mother for $5 at Al and Trudy's pawn shop, they represented the only thing of any real value anyone had ever given him. This, combined with continuous abuse from both Delmore and Ruffhaus, did much to hamper Coop's further musical development. A historical analysis of the band suggests that Coop's measure of frustration with the boys was only surpassed by his need to feel accepted.



Delmore was oblivious, having concocted a sure fire get rich quick scheme, and was busy measuring asses at the door. The only problem was that it was 7:30 and Trainer had invited guests to arrive at 9:00. Trainer recalls the party:



""They told me I could be in the band. So I said sure, have the toga party at my house. I figured everything would be O.K., what with that prick Oral in the klink. I come home from the beer distributor to find Ass-wipe standing on the front lawn, wrapped in toilet paper and holding a measuring tape,........ next to a lemonade stand, muttering something like $10, no $20, no 30 bucks an inch! And inside the house. Jesus! Ruffhaus had some bull story that his shadow ate all the food; and that sniveling bastard Coop, I found him at the bottom of the stairs, trying to impale himself on some strange looking wood and pieces of metal... From there it only went downhill. I never did get to play in the band............ Still cant figure out how they got in......... I had to buy new trash cans!""

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