This is an unsent letter to a friend who is about to make a big mistake by marrying the wrong man. It goes on to describe the many ways in which this guy is unsuitable for her.
Piano, voice :: Porter (me)
Cello, bass :: Dan Prindle
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When I met my friend's boyfriend I felt so sad that she has chosen him. I am very protective of my friends and it's disappointing when they pick partners that don't make them feel as great as they should. When I performed it for the first time the crowd laughed after some of the lines. I didn't realize that the song was kind of funny!
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when i knew you you were new to the world and everyone would say “god, what a beautiful girl”/ six years now and you say you’ve found the one/ all i wanna know is what you see in that bum/ cuz quite frankly i am stunned// please don’t marry him/ you could do so much better // you can’t afford what you’re giving away/ you toss out yourself so the other can stay to sleep/ two lonely heart beats// 24 and not a quarter of your life/ you just can’t wait to be some loser’s wife/ if only he weren’t the most boring man i’d even met i’d praise the god that makes us love what we get/ this is a mistake// i know it’s not my place to say, but you can’t let your father give you away to this creep// i’m all for pacifists/ i just don’t trust a guy who never gets pissed/ i too love those inclined to give/ but what will you get from someone who’s afraid to live?/ i just wanna shake his bony frame// if i were you i would set him on fire to see if he’s human enough to perspire/ or whether he’d just continue to watch tv/ if i were you i would poke him with tacks/ to see if he’s alive enough to react/ or whether the accupressure would just put him to sleep/ with his lonely heartbeat// i’m begging you don’t relinquish your life to some lifeless bore who’s best trait is his wife
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