never never band
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7/4/2008 11:19:35 PM
life with a trance parent
Dad, I was dancing for you, sword fighting flame throwing spinning tales and hopes and, you didn't see me......
you were reading and you couldn't see me.
I worked on my balance, I practiced late into the night and imagined myself poised and strong, and pounded furiously away at that wooden beam in the yard and my muscles grew stronger and my anger grew direction and It carried always towards you, but jet airplanes would always carry you away...beyond where I could follow.
You would come home gruff, the surly drunk and I would tell you all that had happened, but you couldn't see me, you were too tired.
I saved you once in the hospital, you were dying, your pancreas diseased from all the years you had slowly consumed your happiness. I saved your life that day, after 6 days on those machines they were going to extubate, to set you adrift but I made them wait another day and you started breathing on your own. When you woke up I tried to tell you but you couldn't see me....
And now I see you growing more and more transparent, I try to fill you in on the lives you missed, I hold up pictures, open the curtains and find that I am always turning on lights even in the middle of the day, but you cannot see me, you're too far gone now.
And so I drive home and I arrive tired and feeling smaller and my own sons and daughter come running to tell me all that has happened and, always, I sit and I listen and I look them in the eyes and I tell them
I see you
I can see you growing magnificent and I can hear your hearts beating and I can hear your hearts breaking but know this....never doubt this
I see you,
I am always looking for you.
I will never let you fade.
S.
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never never band
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7/5/2008 8:57:12 AM
is it fact or fiction?
I think prose like that falls in between fact and fiction, in the vast gray areas where our lives actually take place..
But that's how I remember it , ,
I just hacked that out last night because I'm driving up to see him today,
he has surgery on Monday and it's kind of a risky one so I'm gonna be hanging at the hospital...
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never never band
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7/8/2008 12:56:40 PM
hey,
sorry, been away from my computer..
lets see..
Yes, I forgive may Dad I guess, though it's really far more complicated than that.
The short answer is that it's something between regret and pity...
and yes, you can use Trance Parent...
S.
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