Can we help who we are? by Tom O'Brien on The Pipeline at IndieMusicPeople

Can we help who we are?
Of course, if we are conscious enough we can have a great effect on who we are. But there are so many people who are just the product of their lives, their upbringings and their environments. We don't really decide what our personality will be like. We actually accumulate a personality through our experiences. Some people are hard to get along with because of what they've been exposed to in their life. Some people can be mean and thoughtless because they were never taught to be otherwise.

I've found musicians, and moreover songwriters, to be a pretty good lot. They tend to be empathetic and caring. They tend to feel connected to the Universe somehow, or totally separate from it, but trying to figure it out. Music comes from our neo-cortex as I remember, the most recent part of our brain to evolve. Other animals don't possess it. It makes the human animal unique. It is where all our abstract thoughts originate. Music is a language we all understand.

I hope you all are constantly striving to be better people. Musicians can be good examples to the unfortunate people who are stuck in their reptile brains.

I had a negative encounter with my boss this morning and it got me thinking. She wasn't trying to be mean or petty. She was just reacting to a situation in the way which her brain does. She has had a completely different life experience than me and I can't expect her to see things my way all the time. I don't think she can help who she is.

What do you think? How much free will is ever really in play? How much of our action is just reaction?

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Stoneman

8/6/2011 12:43:29 AM ---- Updated 8/6/2011 12:55:48 AM

Very good questions that will probably get various responses. I think many people spend a lifetime trying to figure out who they are. But, in my opinion we can help who we become and what we do. I mean, there is no doubt that environment and life experiences have some bearing on most people. But I believe that our identity (personality wise) is developed through a conscious choice system within ourselves.

Most of you know that for many years I worked as a prison chaplain. After hearing so many of the inmates life stories there were several factors that related to their criminal behavior. Poverty, child abuse/neglect/abandonment, ghetto life, homelessness, mental sickness and/or a familial pattern of disregard to the law were key factors that gave glimpses into the causes of their behavior.

But, what about the thousands of criminals that come from good environments filled with all the excesses and advantages of wealth, loving parents, good neighborhoods and strong moral backgrounds in their families. What is their excuse? What causes people who have so much good in their lives to go bad? On the flip side, what causes people (like me) who had so much bad in their lives to go against the grain and change?

Well, I can't speak for anyone else. But I can say that I made some very important changes in my perspective of life, God and myself. That is why I walked away from violence, tribalism (gangs), crime, anger and heartlessness. I chose a different path because I knew the one I was on was headed towards a perilous result. I also knew that I was capable of being a better person. So, I strove to be better. I am still striving for that daily. Guess you could say that i am a work in progress.

So I say yes, in many ways we can help who we are. It is an active choice that we can make if we want to. I have seen some of the most dangerous men in the world become the most meek and loving. I have seen some of the most meek and loving people become the most dangerous. Neither were forced into that situation. They just decided that they wanted be whatever they became. To say that we cannot help who or what we become is to pass the buck of responsibility from ourselves to some unseen entity that we claim controls our actions. Very similar to the old saying "The devil made me do it". No he didn't! You did what you did because that was what you chose to do. Others say: "God made me this way". No he didn't! You chose to be the way you are. Then there is the infamous "society made me this way". What a crock! You made yourself that way! Being responsible for who and what you are is so deeply important. Without personal responsibility nothing and no one would be safe. I fully believe that the reason why I didn't end up in prison or dead like most of my childhood friends is because I stopped carrying guns, robbing, stealing, fighting and being a stupid A hole.

Our reactions to other people are also choices that we make. Wisdom in reaction comes from experience. For instance, when I was in the military I was fined over $4,000.00 in my first year and did 5 slop & flops (3 days with only bread and water in the brig) for fighting. Every time someone called me the "N" word, darky, coon etc., I punched them in the face. Didn't matter if they had stripes on their shoulders or not. "N" word? ass kicking. Well, a few times I got my ass kicked to but my reaction was always the same. Then, after about a year, wisdom kicked in and I started ignoring the "N" word when it was said around other people (i.e. witnesses). I would just wait until I caught the perpetrator alone and punch them in the face. Hehehehehe, I know my behavior didn't exactly change but the wisdom of how to react without getting caught earned me full pay checks and a lot less "N" word incidents. Sometimes it is not what you do but how you do it that counts. I know, I know, that was probably a bad example. That was then but now, when I am confronted with racist crap, I just walk away because i know I am too old and physically disabled to be punching an A hole in the face. I'm too tired to fight or even let them hurt my feelings. Amazing how getting older and weaker changes your perspective of things.

Moreover, it seems to me that we make choices on how we react to things everyday. If you have a flat tire do you cuss and fuss or just get out the car and change the tire? The sooner you accept the fact that tires sometimes go flat and fix it, the sooner you will be on your way. I tend to get up everyday and tell myself that I am so thankful to have another day on this earth. Then I vow that nothing is going to spoil my time here on this earth. Because of this I find that I am a much happier person. When things don't go my way I tend to say "oh well" that's life. But it seems that the more I expect good things to happen, the more good things happen to me. The more people I smile at, the more people that smile at me. The more kind things I say to people, the more kind things are said to me. It's sort of like the Buddhist teachings of "cause & effect" or Karma. When I do good things, it seems that more good things come back to me. Sorry about that one but I was raised a Buddhist and though I converted when I became an adult, a lot of the Buddhist teachings are still very relevant to me.

I believe that the potential for both good and bad exists within all of us. Manson could have been a human rights activist. MLK could have been a street gangster. What we choose for ourselves becomes the quantitative result. I did a lot of bad crap in my youth. I take full responsibility for that. But I have done a lot that I have been proud of in my adult life. I take full responsibility for that to. God didn't make me a certain way and the devil never made me do anything I didn't want to do. I say no excuses! A holes are A hole's because they choose to be A holes. Man, I live for these kinds of discussions.

Much Respect and Great Post!
Stoneman

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Shoe City Sound

8/6/2011 8:05:18 AM ---- Updated 8/6/2011 6:53:14 PM

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Richard Scotti

8/6/2011 9:08:48 AM ---- Updated 8/6/2011 9:16:39 AM

This is a very complex issue. I think we have varying amounts of free will based on our experiences, our environment, when and where we were born, who are parents are etc. Some say geography is destiny. Others feel genetics is destiny. Another school of thought says we are hard wired by our psychological conditions. I have a friend who has OCD. (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) He does certain things that he feels incapable of not doing. His disorder has robbed him of the gift of free will. He is in therapy and takes Lexapro and has made some progress in controlling his OCD but life is so difficult for him.

Some of us are the captains of our ship and some are not. There are so many variables that determine this. Each one of us is the sum total of all of those variables. It's difficult to generalize about this topic because everyone is so different. Change is always hard no matter what your circumstances are. The key to evolution is not intelligence but adaptation, the ability to change in order to survive and progress. The ability to change one's self varies from person to person. We live in a very structured and rigid society. Sometimes our free will is limited by those factors.

I agree with you, Tom, that musicians and I think artists in general tend to have certain attributes that are very different from non-artists. Before I started making a living at music, I worked at various jobs where my "bosses" were people who I found hard to comprehend and I think they didn't know where I was coming from either. Now I tend to travel in "artistic" circles because I feel a kinship with artists.

It was that gulf between me and certain non-artist "authority figures" that made me work harder at music in order to never have a "boss" again. I basically felt like a slave or an indentured servant. I stopped trying to analyze why some people in authority are so insensitive to the feelings of others. After a very painful encounter with a particular supervisor, I swore that I would change my life. My father had died and I was criticized for taking 2 days off to deal with things. (my assistant was going to cover my workload) Company rules said I was allowed 4 days due to a death in the immediate family but my "boss" said that when his father died, he didn't take ANY time off. He even said he didn't think I was that close to my father!!! Something in me snapped and I I quit the job, got a loan and started my own business which allowed me to pursue music full time. I never had a another boss again. "I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more".

Stoneman - I urge you to write a musical about your life. It would be a smash hit on Broadway!!! You have the life and talent to do it.

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Stoneman

8/6/2011 12:52:44 PM

Delores,

What you wrote triggered an important memory that certainly illustrates your point. When my brother and I were kids our foster parent once told us that we were going hunting. My brother and I were so excited because we had seen Elmer Fud hunting Bugs Bunny in the cartoons and as city kids, we were so naive about the whole "hunting" thing.

I remember the four of us getting into the car and my foster dad put the shot gun in the trunk. We drove way out somewhere in the country suburbs of L.A.. When we piled out of the car my brother and I were jumping with joy because we were going to hunt Bugs Bunny. The two adults seemed to be talking in private as we ran up ahead. Then, Jay (our foster dad) caught up to us and took us deeper into the forest. He told us to sit down on a log and loaded the gun. He said we had to be real quiet or we would tip off bugs that we were there. Then, I looked at him and I saw his eyes begin to well up with tears. I asked him why he was crying. He yelled at me to shut up and I started to cry in fear. Mainly because he had beaten me many times when Mae told him to. He cocked the barrel back and pointed the gun at us. I started crying loudly and my brother held me close to him as a comfort and with obvious fear. For several minutes he stood there with the gun cocked as my brother and I cried. Then, suddenly he blurted out, "I just can't do it" and ordered us to run back to the car.

My brother and I ran back to the car and got in. Then Mae (our foster mom) ran out to meet Jay and I could hear them arguing and him saying "I just can't do it Mae". She was furious when they got back in the car and the silence all the way back home was deafening. When we got older my brother found insurance papers with our names on them. That's when he figured out what our hunting trip had been about. He was 4 years older than me and was very smart.

Jay wound up in prison for petty theft, He was a kleptomaniac and spent many years in and out of prison because of that. But one day when I was a teen I was walking down the street with my crew and came face to face with Jay. We recognized each other right away. The tables had turned and I had the power to order him beaten to death. But when he saw me he ran up and hugged me and said he was so glad he couldn't do it. Only he and I knew what he was talking about. Even though all those beatings he had given me were high up there on my avenge list, I realized that now I just couldn't do it. I believe that a split decision change of heart for him way back in the day, gave me the wisdom to make a split second decision also. Because of him, I never ordered anyone beaten to death. Even when I knew they were trying to kill me. I guess I am like Jay "I just couldn't do it Mae".

I like to call Mae and Jay my foster parents because it feels better calling them that. I don't know, maybe the truth is too embarrassing for me. But the truth is that Mae or (Willie Mae) was actually my paternal grandmother and Jay was my step grandfather. It has just never been easy for me to see her (Willie Mae) that way. But I wrote a song about her earlier this year. It's on my IAC page if you are interested in hearing more about Mae. That is, if you can stomach it! She is the demon that still haunts my dreams. She died many years ago but the memory of her remains so alive.

The point that I am making is that Delores you are so right. Split second decisions can change your entire life. Maybe even save it.

I suppose that DNA has some bearing on who and what we become. We (my brother and I) were abandoned by both our mother and father. We found our mother in the early 70's and it was eye opening to discover that she was a jazz musician (Piano & Vox) in Las Vegas. My strong affection and acumen for learning musical instruments made a lot more sense to me then. Also, I personally would like to send a shout out to divine intervention. It seems that often what we become is complimented by various skill sets we acquire in life. Is it truly coincidence that when I came out of the seminary, instead of being given some nice job as a church pastor, I was assigned to corrections and wound up as a specialist in street gang intervention? What a trip it was whenever one of my former co-hort's in crime would see me in the prison as a chaplain. I am sure that some would argue that it all worked out according to God's plan for my life. The logical mind bends towards choice but the spirit inside me leans toward a divine purpose for everything I went through and everything I have left to do in this place we call reality. Which is true? Remembering this stuff sort of leaves me torn in both directions.

Richard,

Yeah, that would one humdinger of a story on stage. Maybe some day I will actually write it. Thanks man................

Stoneman

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Shoe City Sound

8/6/2011 2:49:25 PM ---- Updated 8/6/2011 6:52:45 PM

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SILVERWOODSTUDIO

8/6/2011 6:15:20 PM

A good subject opens a great discussion ----

Stonemans story is chilling, it makes me realise how much we all have in common, though we have thousands miles of ocean between us.
My story is not so shocking but I have survived 2 serious motor accidents, my mother was killed beside me, and in the other we lost our sixteen year old daughter, yet I still feel I have been blessed in a life of love and discovery,---- their passing somehow made me stronger and more alert to each new day and all that one can give or recieve-----

Regarding 'steering' our own lives along a positive track-----As a left handed, right brained kind of individual, I find the world seems to dance to the tune of conformity, and stereotypes, every news item WE SEE ON TV HAS A SPIN!!!???

To live our own lives within these times we must be somewhat cynical about "powers that be" that deliver our reality each day as a package, for us to follow as a herd-------------,ie. the truth is often obscured by pedjudices

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Shoe City Sound

8/6/2011 7:37:47 PM

After reading Silverwood's comment, I felt that mine was way more shallow than I ever meant it to be so I deleted it to think it over and re-post ... by accident I deleted my first post which I sincerely meant .....

Stoneman, I really did have the thought this afternoon that the Broadway musical about your life should be titled "9 Lives" and I guess I was thinking about that right about the time you were writing about you and your brother's near miss with death as little children. That was an incredible thing to read. It's hard for me to be as brave as you and admit that I'm a victim of abuse myself and have had way too much experience with the death of loved ones ... but there it is.

And the boss in Tom and Richard's stories, plus the abusers in yours and mine and the "powers that be" that Silverwood talks about seem maybe to be the ones that can't help who they are. It seems that there are lots of people who are scared and cruel because they feel threatened and justified to keep others down in a "kill or be killed" sort of mentality. Their fears paralyze them from seeing the truth and they have no idea how good life can be. Unfortunately, this fear does spread so easily in a herd-like way .....

I honestly feel though that the truth can't be suppressed forever - that's what I write about in my song "Greed". We're all always writing music that counteracts fear and the unfair things we see all the time. I'm not talking about protest songs or anything, just the sound of music playing is the important thing. No matter what ugly things happen, we respond with music and art and a sense of humor. These are the strongest weapons there are. It's a good thing there's the internet and so many more musicians than ever broadcasting.

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Chandra Moon

8/7/2011 2:02:25 AM

What a great question and I'll come back and add my two pennies' worth when I return from the Tribe of Doris Festival which I'm off to for a week of drumming, dance, song and melody!

See you soon. Hugs.

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