Joe Santa Maria
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1/30/2011 5:30:15 PM
Remembering Charlie Lincoln
Frankly, there isn't a man alive that has even the most remote respect for Charlie Lincoln. In fact, there is very little chance that anyone dead has much regard for him either. You see, Lincoln had the least amount of redeeming human qualities that anyone , anywhere could ever recall seeing. He was loud, obnoxious, deceitful, vapid and more than anything, quite dirty and smelled quite obviously of decaying snack foods. He was also nearly impossible to look at for periods longer than thirty-seconds or so. Any longer, and the viewers eyes would begin seeping retinal fluid in the bodies desperate attempt to shut down all optic systems in an effort to protect the brain. Lincoln was unpopular, unseemly and unkempt. His breath was flammable and could burn paint at thirty feet. His feet were literally independently thinking appendages that crinkled and cracked with every shuffling move. His hands, though rarely used for any form of labor, still were dirty in the most biblical of senses. Lincoln's least pleasant characteristic however was how oblivious he was to his many, many faults. In fact, he was quite proud of himself and could be seen at any hour of any day standing in front of his mirror saying "'atta boy!" to his reflection.
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