chrysesofia
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3/10/2006 1:50:36 AM
snakewrestling
i found … as i was at work yesterday where i usually … well, i’m on my public behavior … playing by the accepted rules. being who i expect i am expected to be. but because i had an outlet, because at the same time i was letting myself out here and was not all jammed up, i found that i became unbelievably relaxed, comfortable in my own skin, as i am, less guarded; or, more solid, more confident in my whole persona … and not needing to feel so compartmentalized. which felt … really incredible, i have to say, dreamy. very much myself in ways that no one there would ever have seen. so then, in this relaxed state, i felt that i was generally expressing myself … much more … i was being the opinionated self that i can be in writing but never comes out my mouth; and i was doing a lot more saying what i was thinking instead of censoring everything and jamming it up. it was very loose.
but the negative consequence was that, i think, it was noticed, and someone began to find this interesting, entertaining, in some way, like … they … thought i was someone they wanted to add to their little social/work circle … and was pestering me, really not taking no for an answer, to hang out … and all i could think was, what do you want from me? what are you trying to get out of me? “come on, take a break. you need a break. i never see you eat.” “i’m eating now!” said my mouthful of peanut M&Ms. “you never leave your desk. come on.” now he’s saying all these things like (1) his logic is somehow obvious, and i’m the one being illogical if i don’t want to go along with it, and (2) it’s going to be to MY advantage … to leave my work, which is what i love and what i’m there for, and hang out and have nothing to say to him and the two or three other people he’s on break with, who happen to be my least favorite coworkers. so obviously … i mean, obviously to me: if i WANTED to take a break, i would; if i haven’t, i don’t want or need to. if i WANTED to hang out with them, i would already be doing it.
why do people try to talk each other into doing things? you don’t want what you want, you’re supposed to want what i want. it is only ever for the benefit of the persuader. so the minute someone starts trying to talk me into something, all the alarms are going off. what do they want from me. what advantage … for themselves are they trying to create and disguising it as something i ought to want. don’t tell me what i want. manipulation. i won’t have it. the problem is that by the time someone ever approaches me, i have already read them and know them much better than they will know me in the next few months if they’re lucky. i already know. i already know. so everything after that is redundant. you’re telling me something i already know. people are so often … not worth the oxygen. anyway. see but that is really sad. they’re jinxing themselves. and they’re jinxing me: if whoever-it-is-i-am-when-i’m-not-paying-attention makes people come at me like that, but they can’t get it that that whoever-it-is-i-am is NOT there for their entertainment, the only recourse i have is to be rude, or escape.
and this … should not be. this is not right. i should be able to be myself without attracting molestation. and there should be a way of telling people look: i know you =think= you’re being nice, but i don’t like it, so you should fuck off now. … ugh. see, this is me outside the window, out on the roof with the snake. it’s after me, it’s out of control, i have to get it and drop it off the roof, put it out of reach. blow people off. they … don’t mean to, i’m sure, but they make themselves untrustworthy by so kneejerkily connecting all the predictable social dots. fill in the blank. how’s your _____ coming along. how’s _____ doing. akh: why do you want to know? it’s a little too much like my dad, whose OCD/alzheimer’s makes him continually =and= repetitively ask me nosy questions for no reason, including “do you have to go to the bathroom” and “what’s that on your fa
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chrysesofia
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3/10/2006 6:29:09 PM
well i have a ... "normal" public persona which is the one that fits, that constantly adjusts to fit in and be somewhat like everyone else so that i don't stand out in any particular way and attract attention. i work mainly with people who are older than me, that has always been easy for me to replicate, that mindset. so ... what they were seeing now was not just "a personality" but a ... much ... more dimensional ... how can i explain this? i felt much less compelled or obligated to ... meet their expectations of my personality. it's almost like i slipped out of character, or into my real character ... and ... you know how when you first wake up in the morning haven't had your coffee ... you just don't know what's going to come out because you haven't put your self on yet. that's kinda what it was like. it was this groggy relaxed ... but very pure ... manifestation of me, whereas i usually water myself down. that's what it was ... full-strength. and that was as strange to me, in that context, as it had to be for anyone else. but it felt like i really was better that way. so ... i can see where ... i mean you can't expect people not to see that. but could i turn it on and off because i'm around people i like or don't like? that seems even more disintegrated, less honest. false advertising. it would actually behoove me to learn some no-thank-you skills, because at least then i can still be me and not have to think about who's around.
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