what death looks like: a personal counting by chrysesofia on The Pipeline at IndieMusicPeople

what death looks like: a personal counting
so ... here's how it is. i’m not going to edit this. for kicks.
back in september, i had the privilege of being the only living person in the room when my dad died.
he had been declining with alzheimer's for four or five years. he was in assisted living. he had no short-term memory left in spite of the current meds that are supposed to put the brakes on that. but it gets to a point, there is nothing that can stop it.

what we think happened is that in the course of passing through midstage, his swallow reflex began to fail. once that happens you're screwed. you can't eat without inhaling some of it, and that causes pneumonia. this is why (i now know) the onset of pneumonia is so commonly understood to be "the sign" that the end is near. if you eat, you are promoting your illness. if you don't eat, you're ... not eating. so that is how it went. some days he would eat. sometimes he would refuse to eat. either way.

so.

this was not a tragedy. is the first thing i found myself saying to people (probably disconcertingly) who felt compelled to console me. the man was almost 89. he had done all the living he intended to do. he was only suffering mentally/emotionally because he couldn't remember anything anymore, everything was confusing. so as it went on (for about 5 weeks) and it got to where he thought i was his dead wife, and then his mother, i felt that was better for him. he no longer even knows he's confused. he no longer even knows he had children that he would obsessively worry about.

once he was on hospice, i requested and got a private room for him. his roommate was a nice man but very hard of hearing and always had his tv up at top volume, and i thought ... that's not really an environment i want to go through this experience in. or: i don't want to have to be screaming: "I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU BUT MY DAD IS DYING RIGHT NOW, COULD WE HAVE SOME QUIET FOR A WHILE???"

but then once he was in the private room, i found it very difficult to go see him. his confused state was difficult to see, he would try to talk, it was impossible to understand because of the pneumonia, so it was impossible to know how to help him. i had become very anxious about how to know whether i was doing everything right, and being around him made that worse because there was nothing to be done to make him feel better. it always seemed that no matter what i did, it did not make anything better, so how do i know i'm doing the right thing. not in terms of his "final wishes," those were all spelled out and easy to follow, but the details of ... even trying to have a simple conversation. it all breaks down and none of the rules apply. so i would not go.

but on a wednesday i left work early because i had a splitting headache, so i was at home when the nurse called and suggested "you might want to come over because he is trying to go." which sounds amusingly like an excretory obstacle, but as she explained, "when they get to this point, they can get stuck. i have never seen anyone hang on as long as he has. [he had not eaten in a week and there was nothing on his bones to begin with.] hearing is the last sense to go, and it seems to help them let go if you can tell them it's okay, give them permission." and ... my 20-years-older brother was on vacation (i =knew= that would happen) and my younger mentally-impaired brother was at work. so it was just me.

when i went over, he seemed exactly the same as he had been two days previous. skin and bones staring at the wall, unblinking. still attempting the "apple-picking" maneuver (periodically raising a hand high in front of him), but so depleted of energy that he could only get the elbow halfway up. fragile skin, and lots of bruise. fingers quite a deep blue-purple. totally unaware. barely moving, restlessly shifting in slow motion. someone had finally gotten smart and moved his bed next to the wall. he had continued to attempt to get out of bed (restraint-free facility) long beyond understand

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1/12/2007 11:29:45 PM

That was a really intense story, sad, touching, overwhelming.. I know you went thru a lot more during the time he was not well than you could ever describe. It's impossible to do justice to our parents as we get older, a lot of people are left with deep guilt throughout their lives, but I feel that for us to live on, to breathe at all, is a tribute to what they gave us. I was/have been generally a fairly quiet person upon returning from college and during my private life, which would probably surprise a lot of people that met me on the internet heh, but when my mom died, I asked to speak at the church at her funeral. I said a lot of things I couldn't really say during her life, things that would've just been too much for that sweet lady that was my mother to take, she would've waved me off, said stop.. She was amazingly humble about herself. I needed to say those things. And as I spoke, knowing how quiet I was normally, the whole crowd of faces there lit up, and I knew she was somewhere watching, and listening.

I'm glad what happened resulted in peace of mind for you, you deserved that so much..

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chrysesofia

1/12/2007 11:57:24 PM

peace i deserve. yeah. i had a unique opportunity to observe, without being observed myself and feeling selfconscious and so to be able to focus, something i am really freaked out about on my own behalf, the approach of nonbeing. i'm glad he was unaware, i can say that. and most people don't in their lifetimes get to actually witness a death so i'm thinking there is a lot of imagining about it; i wanted to kind of report on that, as i had by that time rather more objectivity, owing to the circumstances, than many would. the best "peace" that was achieved was an understanding that it was a normal thing to happen, not weird, not freaky. myself, i was more comforted by the fact that he was no longer anywhere. i think he didn't want to be, and besides, how can we go on, really freely, thinking we're being watched.

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