Under the gloves by chrysesofia on The Pipeline at IndieMusicPeople

Under the gloves
Not everyone deserves consideration.

Or, to clarify: Everyone starts out deserving consideration. But my feeling has changed: now I know it can be forfeited.

I don't mind not being liked. I do not care, and sometimes I prefer it. Because, look, when I don't like someone, I leave them alone. So I don't mind not being liked, but if you don't like me, I expect you to leave me alone. Since I don't do anything to anyone, I don't expect anything done to me. I would never go out of my way to perpetrate evil on someone ... why bother, what the hell could that accomplish ... so having it perpetrated on me has been quite a surprise. I'm having a hard time metabolizing this. I have no experience with being attacked.

You work in a professional environment, no one bothers with anyone else ... suddenly I have an enemy. Someone--approximately 59 years old, btw--goes out of their way to dig up dirt and distribute it, with no other possible object than to do damage to me. Get me in trouble. Get everyone pissed off at me.
I have an enemy??? WTF? This is sixth grade all of a sudden?

I need safe places, and work is no longer a safe place. And I would just like to point out that I work in

a

LIBRARY.

I know, not the first place you think of for high drama, but spend some time in one and watch the people who work there over the course of a workday. Go ahead. Try it.

It's not that I didn't screw something up. I did. And I've fallen (miserably) on all the swords that I'm aware of. But the person who apparently has it in for me is not even involved in the situation. She has just decided to play ... I dunno, Jesuit or something. Vigilante.

So I'm like ... well, I'm sorry, I really try to be pretty inoffensive and invisible. By habit. So I really can't figure out WHY. What goes on in someone's head that could possibly justify an attack on someone else who has done nothing to them.

I ought to know by now that crazy people are crazy; that it can't be explained because it's irrational. So I'm not going to be able to figure it out. And, if figuring it out is impossible, it's random, and then I will never know when the next random attack is coming. And that's obviously part of the plan. Terrorism ... to achieve power. Right, that much I get. But the =cause=, that's what I can't fathom. What causes someone to reach out and fuck with someone else. The only cause I know of is threat; and I can't imagine being conceived of as a threat to anyone. Not in the sane world, anyway.

And how does one respond ... in a supposedly professional environment but where the mgmt is oblivous and biased ... to being fucked with?

I always liked "Fortified" ... it rang true for me about things long past ... but now it is true NOW.

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fly on the wall

8/18/2007 2:56:12 PM

Loonytoons always think they have a reason and once they get started it becomes a cause. Then even if their "reason" completely evaporates, the momentum justifies itself.

Have you asked this person why? The question might disarm them.

I believe these kind of things often begin because of jealousy issues. Some individuals are so tuned in to social situations like work (where they spend many hours) that any kind of change they perceive in the hierarchy turns them rabid. If they see themselves as the entertainer, or the heart, or the righteous one, or the big brain of the group, and somebody else has qualities that they feel threatened by, it could flare up like you describe. Maybe they have a set of rules they play by and you walk in and don't adhere to these rules. However imaginary the rules may be, they've been toeing the line all this time and it drives them nuts that you aren't. Taciturn people often build up huge resentments for outspoken people, because they want to speak but refrain, they don't think anyone should be doing such a thing as speaking ones mind.

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chrysesofia

8/18/2007 3:32:00 PM ---- Updated 8/18/2007 3:49:32 PM

>Have you asked this person why? The question might disarm them.

There's no conversation I wish to have with this person. We had no reason to speak to each other much before, but now ... why would I want to. The gloves are off, but she's the only one fighting. I don't feel it's ... this is weird, but I don't feel it's any of my business what her malfunction is. I didn't have an issue with her, previously, besides just not liking her. She has an issue with me, clearly. As I explained it to my boss, I can only take responsibility for what I know about. I'll apologize to anyone I offended, but if I don't know I've offended someone, what can I do about that? What would I be apologizing for? No: She has to tell me. And that is what she can't do (as my boss pointed out)--she only knows how to act out.

I agree with you insofar as ... it must be some kind of jealousy, some kind of feeling of threat. The only other time I've dealt with anything like this was during my divorce, my ex acted out in a comparable way because he felt threatened (by the fact that I could divorce him and he couldn't do anything about it). =But= I have a hard time seeing what the threat is in this case. She's conceivably a few years away from retirement. We do similar work but on totally different materials. There's nothing I even =could= do to affect what she does. I'm the one with something to lose--I'm just starting this career. In order to do what she did, she would have had to get technical help to do something in the email that she does not know how to do ... and then presented the result first to my boss and then to another coworker to make me look bad both professionally and socially. That's an awful lot of effort and an awfully big grudge. WHY. She is definitely the self-righteous one around here, and she has a gaggle of bubblehead koolaid-drinkers, but I don't interfere with that. There is no power that she has that I could be a threat to.

But ...

> Maybe they have a set of rules they play by and you walk in and don't adhere to these rules. However imaginary the rules may be, they've been toeing the line all this time and it drives them nuts that you aren't. Taciturn people often build up huge resentments for outspoken people, because they want to speak but refrain, they don't think anyone should be doing such a thing as speaking ones mind.

=That= sounds like you've been here watching everything the whole time. *L*

This is the woman I wrote about here some time ago in the "comments" column who said "I'm not smart enough to have an opinion." And you know that is way-not--me. I'm not exactly outspoken, but I can be outwritten *L* (which is what she took advantage of) but it's quite possible that on occasion I speak out here more than some might expect. At any rate I think there is something inherently crossgrained between us. And like I said ... that's fine. What I don't understand is how your garden-variety personality conflict warrants an attack. And I'm stuck here (in this question) because it feels very dangerous to be here now; I want to understand what made it happen so I can avoid repeating what-it-was that made it happen. Right, I shouldn't have to do that, but just as a coping mechanism three days a week.

Y'know it just occurred to me: She who isn't smart enough to have an opinion, doesn't want me to be smart either. *L* Just ... none of this came up until things started happening for me here where I started getting involved in projects and responsibilities that she couldn't possibly understand ... bringing me in more contact with our bosses, with whom she =thinks= she has a unique and protected relationship ... mm.

Right.

'course you know that writing about it in this way is only a weak substitute for writing how i =feel about it= ... because i can't even access that yet. and that's what i mean by having a hard time metabolizing it. it's some foreign substance that maybe i can swallow it but i can't even taste it

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fly on the wall

8/18/2007 3:58:13 PM

I understand why you want to keep your distance from this person. However, keeping that distance will only make the bubble of resentment she has (and that's causing your daily discomfort) grow. If you proactively take it to the source, you will probably knock a lot of the air out of it as you add a whole new factor (direct interaction with you) to the equation.

"none of this came up until things started happening for me here where I started getting involved in projects and responsibilities that she couldn't possibly understand ... bringing me in more contact with our bosses,"

Yes, this is probably exactly the answer. I had a similar situation not long ago. I was just going about my business but as my involvement grew with a "VIP", somebody else who had a history with that person built up all this hatred towards me even though none of it related in any way to her relationship with that person.

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The Man With No Band

8/18/2007 4:06:02 PM

I think you have quite possibly answered your own questions as to the why's of the matter...
Maybe she feels threatened by the fact that she is on her way out and you are on the way in, so to speak....
Maybe she put her whole life into this place and instead of getting the final hooplah she thinks she deserves, that you are stealing her thunder....
So if she can't get the attention she wants she is lashing out trying to create attention for herself...
Or it could very well be that she is lashing out at you because you remind her of all the short-comings she has... You are doing things that she can't and maybe she feels inferior inside...
I know it's not much consolation but instead of feeling like the victim here, just remember that you are above all the nonsense and people like this woman are truly the one's who are suffering to a far more degree than you... They have internal demon's to deal with....
Good luck to you and hope things get better, for both you ... and her..
Sam

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chrysesofia

8/18/2007 4:10:46 PM

but if her problem with me is irrational, then nothing i do can affect it. it will not matter whether i confront her or not. she's going to think or feel or do whatever she wants to that makes =her= feel better, that protects her fragile sense of rightness. besides ... i saw her do something like this to someone else several months ago--except in that case her attack on them was direct instead of indirect--and when she was confronted about it afterwards, she went TOTALLY wacko--the two people trying to talk to her in a reasonable way had to chase her around the room because she was running away from them shouting "no! no! no! no! no!" exactly like a two-year-old. it was unbelievable. she simply refused to be confronted with her own unprofessionalism, the consequences of her behavior. so i already have a good idea of how it would go down. it might make me feel better to push that funny button again, but i'm not otherwise interested in her insanity. ~ ultimately the problem is that management won't do what management is supposed to do about such things.

i have no stomach for crazy people.

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chrysesofia

8/18/2007 4:12:54 PM

thanks sam ... you and superfly are both bringing up good points. normally i can work this crap out myself ... but this is a weird one.

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Holo Lukaloa

8/18/2007 4:20:46 PM

She sounds like she might be ripe for a systematic campaign of pushing her buttons until she explodes ~ and the liability of her presence in the library becomes known to all in the room.

Not that I'd ever resort to anything so outrageous. har

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chrysesofia

8/18/2007 4:39:48 PM

HA .... oh, but won't you please? i'll go to hawaii, and you come to nj and be me.

you've made me laugh about it, which is quite an accomplishment, but you've also tapped into one feeling i have which is that i really really want to DO something. in spite of being ... what, isolationist and live-and-let-rot ... i do have it in me to really want to make people feel what it feels like to have the same thing done to them. i don't necessarily want to be the one to do it, but ... it seems like the only fitting end to the story. i guess there is no point refusing to acknowledge that i do wish suffering on some people ... sometimes.

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Holo Lukaloa

8/18/2007 5:13:35 PM

How to gaslight a co-worker: ;~D

Come up behind her and say her name loudly, then ask her for some white-out or a sharpie. Do this twice a day. At some point do it twice in a 10 minute span. Then switch to saying her name really softly. Then start mispronouncing her name or calling her by some other name.

Start every day even though she hates you and knows you hate her by walking up to her and saying enthusiastically "How are Youuuuuuuuuuuuu today?"

Move things on her desk when she's at lunch. Put a straw in her coffee cup. A doily on her seat. Even the Seinfeld pez dispenser thing. Just make sure there are no cameras if you are brave enough to try these. har

Does she know that you know she's been campaigning against you? If not, approach her (after breaking the ice somehow) and tell her somebody's been doing these nasty things to you, look dead on into her eyes. Say it must be some really sad person, if I was like that I'd wanna die and shake your head.

Offer to buy lunch, take orders, and then bring her something totally different than what she ordered: She orders a tuna sandwich. "Here's your cheesesteak!"

Use a washable marker and write 666 on your forehead. Make sure only she sees it and then wipe it off immediately.

Put a bottle of mouthwash in her drawer. Or deodorant.

If her desk has a nameplate, have one made that looks just like it that says something like Susie the Wackjob and pull a switch.

Okay I've exercised my evil mind for long enough. That was fun, thanx.

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chrysesofia

8/18/2007 7:07:32 PM

oh my no, thank you!! i enjoyed that.
probably all i have to do is think about doing those things to make =me= feel better. i like the idea of moving stuff on her desk ,,, and especially the doily on the seat (if you only knew how appropriate that is).
it somehow helps me a lot to know that i have weapons ... even if i never use them.

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