Kristin
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5/14/2006 2:15:22 AM
---- Updated 5/14/2006 2:21:29 AM
To blog or not to blog.....
So. I have been sitting in front of my computer for days...(well, not STRAIGHT, I do take a break to pee now and again) looking at this big blank white box where an earth shaking, exciting blog entry should be. And try as I may, nothing, not even ONE little comma, has appeared on the page. I finally realized that sheer will and osmosis was NOT going to do the trick, so I have resorted to actually contemplating something and putting fingers to keyboard. And am hoping like hell that something absolutely freaking BRILLIANT will come forth. I'd like to blog every day, but I find I have trouble even THINKING every day.....
I am a writer. Well, shall I say, I am WRITING. I have written since I was little, my first effort being a never finished book about talkng animals. Hey....I was in the 4th grade, and I'm a CHICK. What else would you expect? I lost interest in that when I discovered that having Barbie get pregnant out of wedlock and Ken trying to talk her into an abortion was MUCH more exciting. So, the talking animals never found their destiny, and Barbie eventually told Ken to eat s*** and die and is now living happily in Malibu with her 29 year old love child ensconced in the guest house out back.. Unfortunately, Barbie Jr. did not amount to much, having been pampered and spoiled by Barbie all her life. She can't keep a job, has been divorced 3 times and....well, that's a whole 'nother story. After the Barbie Chronicles, there was poetry all through my teenage years, songs, and short stories that thrilled only me, because I was too afraid to let anyone else read them. I am beginning to think that I am much better at coming up with IDEAS for a book, than actually writing it. I currently have 9 book ideas, and have YET to complete the first one. Can I get paid for that?
Anyway.....I have discovered that 8 chapters into my latest book, I have hit a stall. My muse is of the sort that likes to take LONG vacations, and frequently has to be threatened with permanent banishment before he will haul his tiny little creative a** back home where he belongs. Then, when he finally DOES show up, there is always the post hangover adjustment period, and then the sorry "Oh where is my life going" rant that he always goes through when he comes off a bender. I tell you....It's a good damn thing the little diva is highly productive when he's on his mark. I act like I'd boot him if he wasn't, but truth be told? A good muse is hard to find these days. It's that fucking Union thing.....
So I am toiling away on this novel, with a partner, my best friend, and we both seem to be stuck. And when I'm stuck, I tend to question everything in my life as well. (unfortunately, my flighty, mai tai swilling muse and I are more alike than I care to admit) Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Is there a greater destiny out there for me that I have passed by in my rush to find peace and success and satisfaction in my life? How does one KNOW for certain WHAT their destiny is? I go to bed each night with the distinct feeling that I am WASTING myself. The moments keep ticking by, and I discover I am looking backwards much more often than I am looking forward. The white picket fence, doting husband and 2.2 kids doesn't seem to hold much interest for me. Is that BLASPHEMOUS? I am a woman after all. Isn't that what I'm SUPPOSED to want? What if I'm defective? EGADS!!!
The point is this. At what point in your life can you finally say, "I'm here, I've made it and I'm damn glad to finally be where I always wanted to be." Does anyone ever really reach that point? And how do you know when you have?? Will I always be looking for something other than what I already have to feel like I'm a success? What actually IS success? And most importantly.....
Has anyone seen my damn muse????
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