it's sad, really.. by father_time on The Pipeline at IndieMusicPeople

it's sad, really..
I can use whether or not I want to work on music or not as a gauge of whether I'm happy at a given point in time. It's like I kinda want to do it, and it feels good anything I do at all, but I'm just not able to really dig in, not the right frame of mind. It takes some kind of a soul investment to turn my studio on and really get lost in it. Tonight I turned on my machine, a Roland VS-1680, and listened to some tracks I recorded last week. They weren't good because I stupidly recorded them wet, and the effecting I chose was terrible. I did fix it up so I can record the vocal tracks with the right effects, but then I fizzled, knowing I didn't want to sing the tracks then. I have another song I've been wanting to work on but I just don't have it in me. It sucks. My state of mind is in bad shape. Probably cause I have to start back to realtime work soon and my next few months will be a living hell with a lot of pressure on.

It's such an ordeal to me that I literally can't imagine ever being free again. Surrounded by all my creature comforts I've never adjusted to having to work for a living. As I said in an unreleased song I wrote a long time ago ...

They say the fittest will survive but I'm not fit for 9 to 5.

My work isn't 9 to 5 but it feels like slavery and I really don't feel like I'm going to make it thru these next few months. Luckily I hide my feelings so well. :)

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Chris Hance

8/17/2006 5:23:49 AM

Yes, it's rather unfortunate, but that which inspires the muse can also be that which causes the anguish and depression of the artist,
Personal issues are intrinsically linked to the emotions that motivate creativity. Separating the two is difficult.
Fortunately for myself I am excused from slavery due to personal health issues which prevent me from doing any kind of physical work,(my lungs are fucked, and my left arm is fucked) this situation is expected to come under review in October by the authorities though, and although I have college qualifications there is very little demand for piano tuition in my area, so even if I was fit the chances of getting enough pupils to earn a living are negligable,

Do you have any alternative means of employment other than the "Slavery" that you mention, are there any ways in which you could reduce your spending levels to a more economical amount thus reducing the amount of slavery you are subjected too?

For myself, I ceased aspiring to materialism over twenty years ago, I just refuse.
I only aspire to spiritual(not religious) values, and that which charges my soul.
I do realise that I am very lucky in that respect, and am free from bondage in that sense.
Perhaps making it through these next few months will enable you to progress, will it really be a "living hell", or is that just the dread of mundane drudgery that causes such trepidation?
It's not true that the fittest survive, it's the nasty coniving decietful cheating hating lying scum that survive, usually to the detriment of the rest of us.
Hang in there bro, you can make it and come out the other side recharged.
(maybe)....

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father_time

8/17/2006 5:38:57 AM

well some people would probably think I'm lucky cause I only have to work 6-7 months a year at my business, but it is very difficult and high pressure, this year more than usual just because of the economy and cost of living factors growing. That's probably the source for my anguish because the upcoming situation is considerably more of a mountain to climb than previously. I used to only have to work 2 or 3 months, back in the late 90s. I can't think of anything that would allow me the same kind of free time. I did put in a resume for something else recently but didn't hear back.

yeah it will be a living hell. I'm just not filled with fortitude about doing things I don't want to do. The more years I do the same thing the less I like it. Things always do seem to work out but the road in front of me this year is extra-daunting. I feel like I'm headed to boot camp totally out of shape or something because I'm just not feeling strong enough to endure this crap again, not to mention that I will be at it longer than other falls (my busy season).

but I always seem to survive, that's sort of my best mantra going in. ha

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