crashtv_
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7/29/2006 1:49:17 AM
---- Updated 7/29/2006 1:59:41 AM
I understand, truly.
I know that moment of facing death (as you're aware). It's a comfort in a way to know that when it happens you just accept it.
The horror is surviving.
That's when it becomes difficult, nigh on impossible to live with. The more you consider it, the more absurd it all seems. So you have two options. Ignore it or deal with it. We've both chosen to TRY to deal with it. And where's it got us? Years on we're still obsessed and fucked up with the nature of BEING ALIVE.
This is no self inflicted thing... this is when the universe tries to kill you for no reason. It's quite a different thing to self inflicted accidents - a car crash from driving too stupid or a drug overdose. No. Not that. There's no shame, no denial, just an everlasting, "why?" with her entwined lesbian, incestuous sister, "what now?"
And that's why we have counselling. It certainly calms the waves pounding us at the shoreline of the abyss, the abysmal sea, but it does little else. I for one am very interested in that abyss beyond. I think it's silent there, past the waves. I often want to be there. I believe that's called suicide. One day...
To those outside an experience of resignation to dying it must seem peculiar - the self torture without meaning to, the bottom of the barrel of self esteem when you want to fly. It's not done on purpose. It's a whole new perspective on simply being alive. From magical to pointless but not much in between.
God has no place in this.
Much love to you, laurie,
peter
xo
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