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8/12/2016 7:01:55 AM
I am so sorry to hear this.
My heart is heavy still, from my own similar loss over three years ago,
and knowing, first hand, the anguish you now face.
Well, I guess you picked the right band name,
'cause it's gonna feel a whole lot like it all fades to black now.
I'm not sure which is better, having a heads up that it's coming,
or not. In our case, we had a horrible three months, while cancer
literally ate her alive.
Don't hesitate to talk to people who are there to talk to,
and Dave, I don't recall if we've even been introduced,
but, you may write to me, just put 'From Dave' in the subject line
so I know it's you, and I can at least offer you
that I absolutely know this particular hell which now you face,
as my Vanessa and I, had been together, for about as long a time,
and in fact, married 26 years.
Her death, was more than 'difficult' for me. It was literally impossible.
And I killed myself. Well what that means specifically, Dave,
is she left behind two brand new refilled bottles of morphine.
And a pint of codeine cough syrup, (which, that alone supposedly could
kill a person, but with the morphine, it was enough to kill easily three people)...
and one night, I ooped all that down.
And then I soaked in it for 36 hours.
That I was still even alive when they found me, is just about impossible.
Rock Stars. What are you gonna do?
My first thought, seeing the EMTs in the room,
was, "Oh you gotta be f***in' kidding me".
I had, literally died, I'd flatlined several times,
before they manage to resuscitate me.
It's been a long hard haul since then.
I've embraced life the best I can,
well for a couple reasons,
One, while I was dead, God showed me Hell,
I wasn't lookin' forward to seeing it again,
and God's message to me was quite clear:
"You're done when I say you're done, not before, you got that?"
Then I thought about all the support she gave me,
as I chased my music dream.
I knew damn well, could practically hear her saying it,
"I gave my life, so that you could do this, so you better keep doing it."
I'm so sorry Dave.
I truly would have wished that everybody stop losing anybody,
after it happened to me. I don't even know you, and I am crying now.
Because I know, what this is like.
And if anyone tells you 'it gets better',
smile, and politely walk away, and do something useful,
because listening to that crap is never useful, and it is also never true.
It does not get better.
You will always miss her.
I don't expect I'll miss her less in any amount of time,
if I do not miss her less in over three years.
You do get stronger though. I got stronger.
Actually, in a way, I'm stronger than I ever was.
Okay, part of that was knowing I'd just survived my own death,
kinda puts things in perspective...
But mostly, it is knowing,
She's Within My Soul Always.
Even if I don't readily think of it as such,
she's always there, always a part of me, and she always will be.
If you do wish to talk to someone who honest to God DOES understand
the hell you now face----I am not gonna sugar coat it, It IS Hell,
but you can survive this hell, believe me, and she, your Sweetheart,
Surely Wants You To.
So if you need to talk to someone who knows this hell, and has
for better or worse survived it,
you may write to me:
musicmanager2001@yahoo.com
or
American_Lesley_Jane@yahoo.com
either one'll reach me.
And we can talk, or I can listen.
You will notice, that a lot of people,
really don't know how to handle the subject.
I notice stuff, I was always observant,
and I noticed, while people offered sympathy and whatnot,
you could tell, no one wants to get too close to it,
for what if that ever happened to them...
Well it did happen to me. And now it's happened to you.
Tell you one thing,
You now will totally understand the song,
"Paint It Black" by The Rolling Stones....
"if I look hard enough into the setting sun,
my love will last with me until the morning comes..."
and that's about it,
she is with you, she lives in your soul now,
nowhere else she would be more, Dave.
Hold on to that. And trust me, it's real.
It's realer than anything you'll see goin' on out here in this damned place.
She's in you, and now, nothing can ever hurt her,
and she will never leave you.
And I know exactly what I am talking about.
This, is a hell, I wish upon no one.
And truly do wish it simply no longer happened, after having it happen to me.
But someone keeps playing that damned record,
and it keeps happening to people.
"no more will my gray sea go turn a deeper blue,
I could not foresee this thing happening to you".
Funny, I kinda half hated that song as a kid, never knew why.
Do now.
Don't hesitate to cry when you need to.
Nevermind that 'a man ain't supposed to cry' nonsense.
Just know, if God had meant for you two to go together,
you would have.
She will be with you, in your heart and in your soul,
and she will be a part, of everything you do from now on till forever.
There is no other way, you just have to feel the entirety of what
you now go through.
People will look away, you will notice. You can't. And you mustn't.
And you don't know me from Adam probably...
but I know this hell,
and if there is anything I can impart to you,
to help you surmount it, and get through it, I absolutely will.
God Bless, Much Love, ~Lesley
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